Post by dangerzone on Jun 21, 2006 17:09:11 GMT -5
Caroline Blue 'Slave To The Hourglass'
2005, WWJ
The sickest minds in this world do not belong to serial killers, child molesters or genocidal tyrants, instead they belong to bands like Caroline Blue, bands who think they have a legitimate shot at rock and roll fame, bands so thoroughly bankrupt in every sense of ideas, originality and talent that I can't do anything except sit here and stare at a handgun. For them not me. This group of outcasts hail from the sizzling metroplois of Syracuse, New York and are led by the wayward maverick of Wayne Johnson, a man who despite being in his forties still hasn't abandoned his dream of bringing 80's based hard rock back into the spotlight. Wayne is so determined he quit his job at K-Mart after fifteen long years after discovering he would never move past the ranks of cart pusher and cashier. One of the most farcical elements of this disaster is that the listed lineup above was replaced by Wayne following the album, only for the replacements to be replaced. Wayne has a Ritchie Blackmore type persona circa Rainbow mid seventies, if you don't cut it, you're out! What Wayne neglected to mention was they quit voluntarily.
This dude has the balls to compare his lame fuck outfit to Kiss, Motley Crue and 'early' Judas Priest. I don't know who perpetuated this myth but they might as well have thrown in Napalm Death, Slayer and Morbid Angel too. Even worse the songs were written in the 1988 to 1994 years, so old Wayne has been sitting on them for a while. I presume it is hard to save money while working at K-Mart on $7.50 an hour so it took a decade and a half to scrounge up change to record these pitiful demos. The title track is a rare beast lyrically in which Johnson explores the drudgery of working a 9-5 existence and wasting your life. What an innovator. His K-Mart nightmare must have caused numerous suicidal thoughts. The funniest thing is this guy quit thinking he could make it on his own through rock. Hope the dole pays well. 'When I was young I said to myself this wont happen to me, but now all I have is sleep to set me free'. Stay asleep. Wayne is fond of Paul Stanley's vocal delivery, except the music is worse than that of a local high school band capable only of playing 'Smoke On The Water'.
Wayne explores other relevant topics like lost love, country girls falling prey to the big city, porn stars and more lost love. I'm not saying I don't enjoy this form of hard rock, just not this badly and amateurishly. 'One look at her make you hot, pubic hairs x marks the spot' reads a line from 'Queen Of Pleasure'. followed by 'gang bang and you're dead, she'll play the full screen spread'. This was written in 1989 which explains the pubic hair faux pa. I don't see too many porn queens these days sporting such fur, maybe he meant some dudes ass. The capacity to think anyone wanted to hear these ancient demos is laughable, in 1990 this would have been savaged also. Sadly Wayne claims to be hard at work on a full length CD. Maybe he has advanced to 1991 and discovered grunge and in a few years will progress to pop punk. At five tracks this is thankfully short, anymore and I would have been making it up.
As for the early 'Priest' tag, a fluff instrumental rounds this shambles off, a monotonous acoustic guitar piece which they feel draws comparisons to 'Sad Wings Of Destiny'. There's no other explanation. Wayne is best advised to beg for his job back at K-Mart. Only he has to start back at the bottom at $5.40 an hour. If this is the best I can be sent to review don't bother. Would you like the responsibility of having write about zeros like this and doing it for nothing? 'Players lose faith' a commentator once said during a soccer game in 1990. Hack writers do too. Thank these farts for that.
Rating: F
2005, WWJ
The sickest minds in this world do not belong to serial killers, child molesters or genocidal tyrants, instead they belong to bands like Caroline Blue, bands who think they have a legitimate shot at rock and roll fame, bands so thoroughly bankrupt in every sense of ideas, originality and talent that I can't do anything except sit here and stare at a handgun. For them not me. This group of outcasts hail from the sizzling metroplois of Syracuse, New York and are led by the wayward maverick of Wayne Johnson, a man who despite being in his forties still hasn't abandoned his dream of bringing 80's based hard rock back into the spotlight. Wayne is so determined he quit his job at K-Mart after fifteen long years after discovering he would never move past the ranks of cart pusher and cashier. One of the most farcical elements of this disaster is that the listed lineup above was replaced by Wayne following the album, only for the replacements to be replaced. Wayne has a Ritchie Blackmore type persona circa Rainbow mid seventies, if you don't cut it, you're out! What Wayne neglected to mention was they quit voluntarily.
This dude has the balls to compare his lame fuck outfit to Kiss, Motley Crue and 'early' Judas Priest. I don't know who perpetuated this myth but they might as well have thrown in Napalm Death, Slayer and Morbid Angel too. Even worse the songs were written in the 1988 to 1994 years, so old Wayne has been sitting on them for a while. I presume it is hard to save money while working at K-Mart on $7.50 an hour so it took a decade and a half to scrounge up change to record these pitiful demos. The title track is a rare beast lyrically in which Johnson explores the drudgery of working a 9-5 existence and wasting your life. What an innovator. His K-Mart nightmare must have caused numerous suicidal thoughts. The funniest thing is this guy quit thinking he could make it on his own through rock. Hope the dole pays well. 'When I was young I said to myself this wont happen to me, but now all I have is sleep to set me free'. Stay asleep. Wayne is fond of Paul Stanley's vocal delivery, except the music is worse than that of a local high school band capable only of playing 'Smoke On The Water'.
Wayne explores other relevant topics like lost love, country girls falling prey to the big city, porn stars and more lost love. I'm not saying I don't enjoy this form of hard rock, just not this badly and amateurishly. 'One look at her make you hot, pubic hairs x marks the spot' reads a line from 'Queen Of Pleasure'. followed by 'gang bang and you're dead, she'll play the full screen spread'. This was written in 1989 which explains the pubic hair faux pa. I don't see too many porn queens these days sporting such fur, maybe he meant some dudes ass. The capacity to think anyone wanted to hear these ancient demos is laughable, in 1990 this would have been savaged also. Sadly Wayne claims to be hard at work on a full length CD. Maybe he has advanced to 1991 and discovered grunge and in a few years will progress to pop punk. At five tracks this is thankfully short, anymore and I would have been making it up.
As for the early 'Priest' tag, a fluff instrumental rounds this shambles off, a monotonous acoustic guitar piece which they feel draws comparisons to 'Sad Wings Of Destiny'. There's no other explanation. Wayne is best advised to beg for his job back at K-Mart. Only he has to start back at the bottom at $5.40 an hour. If this is the best I can be sent to review don't bother. Would you like the responsibility of having write about zeros like this and doing it for nothing? 'Players lose faith' a commentator once said during a soccer game in 1990. Hack writers do too. Thank these farts for that.
Rating: F