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Post by unclemeat on Jun 16, 2004 13:04:39 GMT -5
Mugger Can't Believe Crap Victim Has On MP3 Player
BOSTON—Following the successful mugging of a jogger in Franklin Park, petty criminal Derek Mesker announced Monday that he cannot believe the shit he's found on his victim's Philips 20GB MP3 player. "3 Doors Down? Maroon 5!" Mesker said, scrolling through the songs. "The new Counting Crows?! Man, I'm glad I pistol-whipped that motherfuck." Mesker added that the first thing he did was toss the device's "gay-ass" teal neoprene case.
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Post by 1:( on Jun 17, 2004 0:42:38 GMT -5
I should read the new one. I've got a couple Onion shirts(including one that says "Your favorite band sucks")
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Post by unclemeat on Jun 17, 2004 1:59:24 GMT -5
Awseome.
I've nevre seen an Onion shirt.
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Post by 1:( on Sept 21, 2004 19:12:54 GMT -5
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Post by unclemeat on Sept 22, 2004 6:51:43 GMT -5
;D
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Post by 1:( on Mar 29, 2005 21:25:48 GMT -5
Nation Planning Surprise Party To Cheer Up Conor Oberst
OMAHA, NE—American citizens are coordinating efforts to lift the spirits of wünderkind singer-songwriter Conor Oberst, sources reported Monday. "I saw Conor's picture in a Spin article about Bright Eyes, and he just looked so down," said Lindsey Keisner of Youngstown, OH, one of the party's 4,000 planners. "The country feels really bad that he's going through such a rough spell, so next Friday, everyone who can should meet in Omaha with balloons, funny cards, and silly little gag gifts." Britt Daniel from Spoon will lure Oberst to Omaha by asking him to overdub some vocals.
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Post by 1:( on May 9, 2005 9:33:43 GMT -5
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Post by 1:( on Jun 21, 2005 16:19:54 GMT -5
Anyone else seen the new Onion this week?
What the fuck's up with it? It's all...futuristic. Set in the year 2056.
The Jim Anchower article was great though.
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Post by 1:( on Jun 29, 2005 23:20:13 GMT -5
They've been showing old Onion issues recently, and I thought two of the news-in-briefs were funny.
Portrait Of Nude, Bleeding Man Hung On School Wall
BOISE, ID—As a reminder of God's abundant and undying love for them, a portrait of a nearly naked, bleeding man was hung in full view of students at St. Matthew's Catholic High School Tuesday. The image of the almost-nude, dripping man violently nailed to wooden planks, now on permanent display in the school's central hallway, "reminds us that God would do anything for his children," said Sister Mary Margaret, the school's math teacher. "It presents an uplifting message of love and salvation to inspire us all." Sister Mary went on to praise the craftsmanship of the piece, saying, "You can actually see his bulging eyeballs roll up into his head and the trickles of ooze running into the sockets. Amazing!"
Shit Parking Ticket Fuck
FUCKIN' DOWNTOWN—After stopping for like 10 goddamn minutes at the west-side post office, local resident Dave Shore got a motherfucking parking ticket in the amount of 35 fucking goddamn dollars Monday, fuck. Where were the goddamn cops when the dude stole the hubcaps off of Shore's light brown 1992 Escort last year, the 27-year-old line cook would reportedly like to fucking know. The ticket, which Shore will have to work five whole fucking hours at his shitty fucking job just to pay, was placed on his vehicle by the asshole fucking Nazi parking patrol shortly after noon. Jesus fuck.
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Post by unclemeat on Jun 30, 2005 6:10:58 GMT -5
Anyone else seen the new Onion this week? What the fuck's up with it? It's all...futuristic. Set in the year 2056. The Jim Anchower article was great though. I miss the old look |
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Post by 1:( on Jun 30, 2005 10:13:15 GMT -5
It's back to normal this week.
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Post by unclemeat on Aug 10, 2005 7:09:15 GMT -5
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Post by 1:( on Aug 10, 2005 9:47:21 GMT -5
Amber Richardson articles are hilarious.
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Post by Hell Bent For Karate Mullets on Aug 10, 2005 10:06:14 GMT -5
That was brilliant.
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Post by 1:( on Aug 17, 2005 1:03:21 GMT -5
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Post by Hell Bent For Karate Mullets on Aug 17, 2005 12:29:38 GMT -5
I feel this is appropriate...  |
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Post by 1:( on Sept 5, 2005 2:24:41 GMT -5
Hey, just out of curiosity, what do you guys think of the new look?
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Post by unclemeat on Sept 5, 2005 7:21:37 GMT -5
Hey, just out of curiosity, what do you guys think of the new look? Nope |
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Post by Shevy on Sept 5, 2005 7:28:15 GMT -5
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Post by unclemeat on Sept 13, 2005 19:47:17 GMT -5
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