Post by Shevy on Mar 2, 2006 9:42:17 GMT -5
So last night I had to go to the grocery store to get a few things. I HATE the grocery store. Cramped isles, bad muzak, and slow moving people. I would probably like it a little better if they incorporated something cool into grocery shopping like dirt bikes or kung-fu, but that's another story.
Anyway, I'm a very fast shopper. This only makes sense since I fucking hate going there and I don't want to waste much of my life doing things I hate...even if it's only ten minutes.
One way around this is to go at night, which I did last night. I grab a basket with the intention of getting milk and water. This isn't rocket science. Nice big sign which reads "DAIRY" clues me in as to where they might be hiding the milk. I know what kind of milk I like, and what kind my kids like. It's right there in plain view. Didn't have to jump through any hoops of fire or anything. Check the expiration dates, in the basket, and I'm off to find some water.
Didn't know exactly where the water was so I scanned each isle as I walked past. The isle that had soda and water on it was a pretty good indication I'm getting warm. I know what kind of water I like. Grab it and I'm off for ther checkout lanes.
Now the only thing I hate more than food shopping is checking out. I DETEST checking out. Not because I was jumped by a rival gang while checking out at an early age, but because I hate being behind people that have nothing better to do in their lives than check out. Somewhere. Anywhere.
Checking out isn't hard work. Stuff gets scanned, you pay for your stuff, and you're so out of there. It should be easy if you have your shit together. SHOULD be.
So I have an idea. A good one. And it concerns grocery stores. The world needs my grocery store, and I'll tell you how it works...
First, the checkout lines will consist of two seperate types on lanes: "PEOPLE WHO HAVE THEIR SHIT TOGETHER" and "PEOPLE WHO DON'T".
In the People Who Have Their Shit Together lanes you're throwing your stuff onto the counter as the best cashiers in the store are scanning it through. beepbeepbeepbeepbeep. Done!
The store's best baggers are putting all this shit away for you as fast as they can while you're paying. You have your wallet/purse out...your checks are filled out except for the dollar amount...your credit card is in your hand ready to be swiped...those coupons are all set to be handed in. There will be no discrepancies with the coupons because people who have their shit together will have already read the small print before they try and use them. Coupons are so easy to use it boggles the mind how people can possibly use them wrong yet still acquire a driver's license.
Anyway, super fast check out. People working the lanes are awesome, friendly, all about the speed. For people who have their shit together they get 5% off their purchase and double value on their coupons. When they leave the bagger says with a smile, "Thanks for having your shit together sir/ma'am. Please come again!"
And what if somebody gets into the Has Their Shit Together Line and they don't actually have their shit together? What if somebody spends all day lazily placing shit on the counter...complaining their bread was crushed underneath a whole watermelon because they put their bread on the counter first...complains over a $0.30 coupon because you're supposed to buy two jars of spaghetti sauce instead of one...insists on exchanging some food because they didn't realize the experation date was right around the corner...waits unti the cashier tells them the total before finally attempting to get their wallet/purse out? What if?...
Well, here's what happens: The cashier presses a big red button underneath the counter which opens a trap door sending the customer's food and shopping cart through the floor to an undisclosed storage facility. The customer is quickly escorted out of the building, photograph taken and hung on the "lifetime ban" wall, and firmly told to take their business elsewhere.
This will make those who actually have their shit together happy to be food shopping and make everybody's life easier.
In the "Those That Don't" lanes, only newly hired help works there. They take their sweet time checking things out. They call for price checks and managers over single packages of ramen noodles. They make sure the bread goes on top regardless of how somebody put it on the moving belt. And they're rude motherfuckers because people that usually don't have their shit together deserve to be treated rude. You can't compliment people on their lethargy. It may seem like good customer service at the time, but it's not good customer service for the entire human race. I'm thinking long-term, baby!
Food shopping is practically an art form...a sport. Those that choose to attack such a boring task instead of passively following the herd must be rewarded. I would shop at this grocery store. Many people would.
Discuss.
Anyway, I'm a very fast shopper. This only makes sense since I fucking hate going there and I don't want to waste much of my life doing things I hate...even if it's only ten minutes.
One way around this is to go at night, which I did last night. I grab a basket with the intention of getting milk and water. This isn't rocket science. Nice big sign which reads "DAIRY" clues me in as to where they might be hiding the milk. I know what kind of milk I like, and what kind my kids like. It's right there in plain view. Didn't have to jump through any hoops of fire or anything. Check the expiration dates, in the basket, and I'm off to find some water.
Didn't know exactly where the water was so I scanned each isle as I walked past. The isle that had soda and water on it was a pretty good indication I'm getting warm. I know what kind of water I like. Grab it and I'm off for ther checkout lanes.
Now the only thing I hate more than food shopping is checking out. I DETEST checking out. Not because I was jumped by a rival gang while checking out at an early age, but because I hate being behind people that have nothing better to do in their lives than check out. Somewhere. Anywhere.
Checking out isn't hard work. Stuff gets scanned, you pay for your stuff, and you're so out of there. It should be easy if you have your shit together. SHOULD be.
So I have an idea. A good one. And it concerns grocery stores. The world needs my grocery store, and I'll tell you how it works...
First, the checkout lines will consist of two seperate types on lanes: "PEOPLE WHO HAVE THEIR SHIT TOGETHER" and "PEOPLE WHO DON'T".
In the People Who Have Their Shit Together lanes you're throwing your stuff onto the counter as the best cashiers in the store are scanning it through. beepbeepbeepbeepbeep. Done!
The store's best baggers are putting all this shit away for you as fast as they can while you're paying. You have your wallet/purse out...your checks are filled out except for the dollar amount...your credit card is in your hand ready to be swiped...those coupons are all set to be handed in. There will be no discrepancies with the coupons because people who have their shit together will have already read the small print before they try and use them. Coupons are so easy to use it boggles the mind how people can possibly use them wrong yet still acquire a driver's license.
Anyway, super fast check out. People working the lanes are awesome, friendly, all about the speed. For people who have their shit together they get 5% off their purchase and double value on their coupons. When they leave the bagger says with a smile, "Thanks for having your shit together sir/ma'am. Please come again!"
And what if somebody gets into the Has Their Shit Together Line and they don't actually have their shit together? What if somebody spends all day lazily placing shit on the counter...complaining their bread was crushed underneath a whole watermelon because they put their bread on the counter first...complains over a $0.30 coupon because you're supposed to buy two jars of spaghetti sauce instead of one...insists on exchanging some food because they didn't realize the experation date was right around the corner...waits unti the cashier tells them the total before finally attempting to get their wallet/purse out? What if?...
Well, here's what happens: The cashier presses a big red button underneath the counter which opens a trap door sending the customer's food and shopping cart through the floor to an undisclosed storage facility. The customer is quickly escorted out of the building, photograph taken and hung on the "lifetime ban" wall, and firmly told to take their business elsewhere.
This will make those who actually have their shit together happy to be food shopping and make everybody's life easier.
In the "Those That Don't" lanes, only newly hired help works there. They take their sweet time checking things out. They call for price checks and managers over single packages of ramen noodles. They make sure the bread goes on top regardless of how somebody put it on the moving belt. And they're rude motherfuckers because people that usually don't have their shit together deserve to be treated rude. You can't compliment people on their lethargy. It may seem like good customer service at the time, but it's not good customer service for the entire human race. I'm thinking long-term, baby!
Food shopping is practically an art form...a sport. Those that choose to attack such a boring task instead of passively following the herd must be rewarded. I would shop at this grocery store. Many people would.
Discuss.
